유약한 체질 때문에 혹은 우유부단한 성격 탓으로 늘 염려를 달고 다닌 다고 생각했던 적이 있기 때문에 저는 이 염려의 죄를 깊이 파헤쳐야만 했습니다. 염려의 뿌리를 뽑아야 했기 때문입니다. 제가 깨달은 것은, 염려의 죄는 유약함에서 오는 것이 아니라 아주 깊이 박혀 있는 교만이 라는 뿌리에서 온다는 것이었습니다. 다른 사람보다 더 잘하려는 욕심, 지고 싶지 않은 강한 교만에서 오는 것이었습니다. 이런 사람을 완벽주 의자라고 부릅니다. 실수하는 꼴을 봐주지 못합니다. 그러나 그 바닥 은 항상 일등을 하고 싶은 승부욕으로 가득 차 있습니다. 이 교만으로 부터 자유로울 수 있는 방법은 내가 나를 증명하려는 욕심에서 자유 해 야 하고 나를 그대로 인정해 주시는 분, 나를 위해 십자가까지 지신 예 수님을 내 인생의 주인으로 받아들이는 길 외에는 없습니다. 그분만이 나의 최선을 일등으로 여겨주시고 기뻐하시는 분이십니다. 남과 경쟁 하여 얻은 일등이 아닌, 나의 최선을 기쁘게 받으시는 ‘일등 주님’이 계 신다는 사실이 이 죄로부터 나를 자유롭게 합니다. 이때 우리는 완전하 지 못한 서로를, 그리고 나를, 주님의 사랑으로 받아들일 수 있을 것입 니다. 이제 성격 탓 그만하고 고상한 죄짓기를 멈춥시다.
Rev. Bryan Kim
I used to be an anxious person. I had anxious and worrisome personality. I still am to some level. As a result, I am well organized in my work and a perfectionist. I am thankful when things go well, but when it doesn’t, I blame myself and become depressed for a long time. For a while, I blamed this part of myself to my personality and didn’t see it as a problem. However, this was not a problem of my personality but a problem of sin. The book I introduced this Wednesday by Jerry Bridges’ “Respectable Sins” deals with many types of sin and this is one of them. The title of this book is translated in Chinese as “Polite Sin”. In a way, I was politely committing sin. I was feeding and growing a cancerous cell inside of me called anxiety. It is normal to feel ashamed when committing a sin, but I realized that there are many types of sin that keeps us from feeling this shame. The most common type of this is sin of anxiety. This is one of the topics I dealt with on one of my Wednesday series called “Jesus, the Good Doctor”. We don’t consider this a sin since everyone generally commits the sin, but it is a serious sin. It is a modern man’s disease like diabetes and hypertension that come from eating too well. Since everyone has it, it is not taken seriously. It is also the source of all other diseases. And anxiety is a spiritual disease.
Because there was a time when I thought anxiety was due to weakness or indecisive personality, I had to reach deep to remove this sin of anxiety. I wanted to remove the roots of my anxiety. What I realized is that the sin of anxiety does not come from weakness but it comes from the pride that is so deeply rooted in myself. It comes from greed of wanting to do better than others. It comes from pride that keeps you from backing down. We call these personality types perfectionists. They cannot accept failure. They are filled with greed of wanting to be the first. The only way to be freed from this pride is to let go of your desires to validate yourself and accept the only person who can validate you, Jesus who died on the cross for you and receive Him as the Lord of your life. He is the only one who will delight in your best efforts and consider it number one. It is not number one in comparison to others, but it is ‘number one God’ who delights in our best efforts who can set us free from this sin. This is when we can accept one another, and ourselves who are not perfect with the love of Jesus. Let us stop blaming our personalities and stop sinning politely.