2년 전, 팬데믹이 한참일 때 사람을 만날 수도 없고 예배도 온라인으로만 가능했던 시기에 딸을 시집보냈는데, 이제 팬데믹의 끝자락에 아들을 장가보냅니다. 베델 성도님들을 한 자리에 초대하지 못한 송구한 마음을 전하며 이 글을 적습니다. 자녀를 낳아 키우는 부모라면 누구나 맞게 되는 일이고, 저도 족히 백여 쌍은 결혼 주례를 했지만 내 딸, 내 아들이 결혼하는 것을 보니, 한마디로 마음이 짠해 옵니다. 딸을 시집보내는 마음은 짠할 수 있다지만, 아들을 장가보낼 때는 춤이라도 출 줄 알았는데, 여전히 짠한 마음은 부인할 수가 없습니다. 결혼 선물로 아들에게 준다고 어릴 적 사진을 고르며 앨범을 정리하는 아내를 보면, 아내도 애틋한 마음이 있는 것이 분명합니다.

저는 아이들에게 결코 좋은 아빠는 아니었습니다. 아이들과 함께 놀러간 기억이 별로 없습니다. 직접 물어보지는 못했지만, 우리 아이들에게도 아빠와 놀러 갔던 추억은 그다지 많지 않을 것입니다. 그래서 딸을 시집보낼 때, 아빠 목회의 제 일선에서 새 가족들의 아이들을 찾아가 친구가 되어주고, 아빠가 힘들어하는 눈치만 보이면, ‘누가 아빠 힘들게 하냐?’며 늘 응원해 주었던 딸에게 미안해서 많이 울었습니다. 이제 아들을 보내면서는 그런 추억이 별로 없어서 쿨 하게 보낼 것 같았는데, 여지없이 찾아오는 눈물은 어디서 오는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 어렸을 때 아들은 유난히도 사달라는 것이 많았습니다. 당시 닌텐도 등 자기 또래 친구들이 가지고 놀던 장난감은 죄다 사달라고 해서, 한 번은 주일예배 때 아이들에게 장난감을 사주지 말자고 광고까지 했던 해프닝도 있었습니다. 물론 아들이 사달란다고 사준 적은 제 기억에는 별로 없습니다. 장난감을 사주지 않는 이유는 늘 “돈 없어”였습니다. 지금도 내가 왜 그런 말을 했는지 후회스럽기만 합니다. 아들은 어렸을 때, 어디 올라설 데만 있으면 가방 위든, 테이블 위든 기어 올라가 손가락으로 가리키면서 “회개하시오~”라고 설교를 흉내 내며 놀곤 했습니다. 담임 목사님 앞에 가서도 “회개하시오~”라고 외치는 바람에 곤혹스러운 일도 있었지만, “크면 목사가 되겠구나!”라며 내심 기뻐했는데, 자기가 원하는 것을 갖지 못하는 이유가 ‘돈이 없어서’라고 했던 아빠의 말이 각인되어, 목사는 아빠 한 사람으로 족하다고 생각하고 딴 길을 간 것 같아 아들에게 너무나 미안한 마음이 듭니다.

장가가는 아들에게 바라는 것이 하나 있다면, 아내에게 좋은 남편이 될 뿐 아니라, 훗날 아이들과 많이 놀아 주는 아빠가 되라고 말해 주고 싶습니다. “아들아, 많이 놀아주지 못하고, 아름다워야 할 어린 추억에 ‘돈 없어’라는 이유로 실망의 그림자를 드리운 것이 있다면 진심으로 사과하고 싶구나!”

My Son’s Wedding

Rev. Bryan Kim

For what seemed like ages in the last two years of the pandemic, when we couldn’t meet each other, and worship was possible only online, our daughter got married. Now, at the tail end of the pandemic, our son is getting married. I write this with my sincere apologies for not having been able to invite the Bethel families to join us on this occasion. As we all have lived and breathed this life we all live, and even after having presided over hundreds of weddings, and witnessing my daughter’s, and now my son’s wedding, I still cannot describe what I am feeling. I am unaccustomed to this new surge of emotions. When our daughter was married my heart was a mix of sentimentality and heartache. But now for my son’s wedding, I thought in the least that I would be able to dance. But can anyone else deny that this flood of emotions is indescribable?My wife prepared a photo album as a wedding gift. And as I watch her holding those pictures from our son’s earliest years, I can feel the same fond affections she has for him.

I realize that I was not a good dad to my son. I don’t remember taking him out anywhere. I don’t have the courage to ask him now, but if I did, he would likely say that he doesn’t have many memories of us together either. When my daughter was married, I recalled her being a friend to all the newcomers’ kids because she felt the duty to place her father’s ministry first. She would always keep an eye out for me and say to the others, “Why are you guys making it so hard on dad?” She was my cheerleader. Looking back at what she did, I shed many tears in appreciation. Now as I watch my son getting married, I thought I would be more composed. Yet, I am perplexed by where all these waves of tears have emerged. When he was young, there were many things he asked me to buy for him. Toys were a given, and so was the Nintendo systems that were popular with all his friends during that time. There was even a time that we announced during a Lord’s Day worship service to refrain from buying toys for the children. Actually, I don’t recall buying anything for him because I don’t remember him asking. But it was most likely because I usually answered that we didn’t have that kind of money. Now that I think about it, I regret saying that to him. When he was young, he would crawl up on my bag or onto the table and point his finger, and imitate me crying out, “Repent!” He would even go up to the senior pastor and pester him saying, “(You) Repent!” Laughing, we joyfully thought, “I bet he grows up to be a pastor.” Thinking back, I regretfully realize that he never asked because he knew the answer would be, “Not enough money.” Perhaps that is why, he also thought that one pastor in the family was more than enough and chose a different career path.

If I could ask for one thing as my son gets married, in addition to being a good husband to his wife, is that some day when he has children of his own, I ask that he would be a dad that plays with them often. “Son, I know I couldn’t play with you often, and if among the cherished memories of your childhood I stained it by saying, ‘no money,’ please accept the sincerest of my apologies.”